Taking another look at Turkey Day

Ah, Thanksgiving. That wonderful holiday where we gather around the table with family members we hardly ever see, or that we can’t really stand, and break bread and cram turkey and green bean casserole down our pie holes until the football game comes on and we can watch whoever is playing Detroit beat the stuffed dressing out of the Lions. Yes, this important holiday is right around the corner.

But why is Thanksgiving important? What makes this holiday so special that we will drive for miles and miles with screaming children, who are fed up with riding after the first hour, kicking the back of our seat? Once a year we will pile our families in the gas-guzzling SUV, placing ourselves in a mobile hell, without a second thought as to why we do it.

So, here is a little twinge of the history of Thanksgiving. I say twinge because, well, this is the controversial stuff that they won’t tell you in the history books. Or maybe they won’t tell you this because I’m making it all up. But either way, it is important to take a look at this holiday and put it all into perspective.

Thanksgiving came about after the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth Rock, which was named as such because it moved about as much as a Plymouth vehicle. The Pilgrims flooded off the Mayflower and began to kiss the ground, thanking God that they finally made it to land, not caring what land it was. They just knew that they were ready to beat their children, for screaming and kicking the back of their seat all the way from England, if they had to stay on that god-forsaken ship another second.

Once they landed, they quickly learned that the leaders of this colonization experiment were very incompetent, which traditionally has been passed down to our leaders of today, and the Pilgrims found themselves facing certain starvation during the winter months.

Before the Pilgrims resorted to cannibalism and the cooking of their leaders, one Pilgrim, whose name history has forgotten, had a great idea that ultimately saved the colonies.

“Why don’t we ask the Indians for help?” he asked.

The other Pilgrims agreed.

“Sounds like a good idea,” they all responded, in unison we can only presume. “Where can we find them?”

“Oh, they are not hard to find,” the Pilgrim with the original idea responded. “Their casino is just on the other side of that hill outside the colony.”

So, the Pilgrims walked over the hill and spoke with Squanto, Tonto, or whatever the heck his name was.

“Oh great Indians,” the Pilgrims said. “Can you please help us survive in our new land?”

“First off, we prefer to be called Native Americans,” Squanto replied. “And secondly, this is our land.”

“Yeah, whatever,” the Pilgrims said. “Can you please help us so we don’t starve? We’ll repay you one day by forcing you onto reservations and making you live on government handouts.”

Amazingly, the Indians agreed and, one year or so later, all the Pilgrims that didn’t freeze to death during the winter got together with the Indians and held a huge feast which lasted about as long as some third-world countries. But then problems crept into the colony when the Indians tried to teach the colonists how to play baseball.

“Baseball?” the Pilgrims scoffed. “All we play is soccer.”

“You heap big retards,” the Indians said. And then they packed up their team bus and moved to Cleveland.

And that, boys and girls, is why we celebrate Thanksgiving today. Okay, maybe it isn’t the reason why. But maybe, just maybe, you can think back on this and laugh after Thanksgiving dinner instead of choking your brother-in-law to death when he reminds you how much more money he makes than you. And then you can drive however far it is to get back home, once you give your kids their Benadryl, very thankful. Thankful for your life, your home, your family and for the blessing of living in this great country.

And also thankful that this holiday still only comes around once a year.