Recently a co-worker of mine came up with a Top 10 list of the “best” 10 albums in the past 30 years on his blog. (Which reporters are forced to do now because the publications they work for do not think that they are good enough, or smart enough, to have an actual column in the newspaper.) I say “best” in quotes because, let’s face it, there are no 10 “best” albums … although you can list 10 of your personal favorites. Yet you see this kind of stuff all the time.
A few years back, Rolling Stone released a list of the Top 100 Guitarists, and did very stupid stuff, like you just knew that they would, such as listing Kurt Cobain higher in the list than Kirk Hammett. I always find these kind of lists by the “experts” frustrating, since anyone with half a brain knows that Hammett can play circles around clueless people like Cobain.
And the biggest atrocity of that list? The claim that Jimi Hendrix is still the number one guitarist. No he isn’t! He’s dead! I can play better than Hendrix now, because he cannot even pick up a guitar! Way to rip off Eric Clapton, who just so happens to still be making music, Rolling Stone! But I guess that little fact escaped your all-knowing minds!
So anyway, I have decided to make my own list today. It won’t have anything to do with music, movies or anything else that can be remotely labeled entertainment and would make me appear to think my opinion is better than anyone else’s. This is a list that you can no doubt add your own things as well or else you will be able to come up with a list of your very own. Here we go…
The Top Five People That Piss Me Off
5. The people who call themselves “experts” and come up with entertainment related lists. (See introduction.)
4. People who roll their eyes or say “Why did they bring that kid in here?” very loudly to their friends whenever my wife and I go to a restaurant with our kids. It would be one thing if I let my kids scream their tiny heads off and throw food and water everywhere while I just ignore them. I hate parents that do that too and think that they should be placed in the third circle of Hell. But just because my kids are talking does not warrant this type of response from young, uppity punks who seem to forget what a burden they once were to their own parents. The next time I hear someone say this I will pour their over-priced drink all over their designer clothes that they are only wearing in a pathetic attempt to attract people from the opposite sex who are dumb enough to think clothes really make a person more important.
3. Whoever the guy was that invented the electric hand dryer. You go in the bathroom and see these things mounted on the wall, like a dead deer head, and think that they will be able to get your hands dried of water and those horrible-smelling industrial, bathroom liquids which just barely pass as soap. But no, when they shut off your hands are still dripping wet and you either have to turn the dryer on again or just dry your hands on your pants, which you could have done in the first place and saved yourself some time.
2. The guy who always wants to go outside and “talk to you,” but once they get you outside they immediately light up a cigarette and blow smoke all in your face and all over your clothes and hair. These are the same people that I am convinced cannot read the No Smoking signs on gas pumps and always seem to stand right across from me while I am fueling up my car. I think every gas station needs to have an employee whose only job is to walk up these type people and punch them in the face. But I’m getting off point here (which I’m sure probably pisses some of you off), so lets get back to the people who “want to talk to you.” Now you smell like the mouth exhaust of the Marlboro Man and have to deal with that aroma the rest of the day. I think that the next time someone does this, I’m going to stop at a vending machine on the way out and buy a Coke. Then, if they light up while talking to me, I will drink my Coke and at the conclusion of the conversation I will unzip and relieve myself on their shoes. Sounds fair, don’t you think?
And now, the winner of the top spot…
1. The guy behind you in traffic that honks at you to go as soon as the light turns green. I hate, hate, HATE that guy! How much of a hurry can you be in that in the amount of time it takes for a person to move their foot from their brake pedal to their gas pedal you go into a conniption fit? The next time this happens, I think I will pop my hood, get out, act like I’m looking at something, close my hood, and pull away while the light turns red, leaving Mr. Horn-honker to sit there until the next green light, slowly turning ten shades of purple. Sure, everyone behind him would also be held up, but they would probably agree with me if they knew what I was doing.
And if they didn’t understand, well, they could just put me at the top of their own personal list once they got home.
About Me
- Greg Hayes
- Greg worked for 10 years as an underpaid journalist, from 1999 until 2009, in the southeast region of Texas in several of its local papers. He is married to his beautiful wife, Kelly, and has two wonderful children, Olivia and Ean. They make their home in Vidor, which is actually a nice place despite what people say.
