A real vote for change

Here it is, Election Day, and it is time to get out and do your patriotic duty. (Of course if you vote for a Democrat, the right-wingers will call you unpatriotic, but that is beside the point.) Yep. Once again, it is time to vote for the lesser of two evils, although this time the “evils” are much more historic in nature.

According to the polls, you can either vote for the old geezer with one foot in the nursing home, who is infatuated with Joe the Plumber and has a hot-looking little lady for a running mate, or for the guy with the “What, me worry?” grin and a running mate who is … also an old geezer with one foot in the nursing home.

So yeah, basically you don’t have much of a choice. Until this very moment that is. Because, my fellow Americans, I am now officially throwing my retro Houston Astros’ baseball cap into the ring to run for President of the United States as a write-in candidate!

Now I know what you are thinking. “Greg,” you are probably saying to yourself as you look at your computer screen, causing everyone around you to stare at you as though you are crazy, “you don’t have a snowball's chance of winning the presidency.” I know, but I figure that if Ralph Nader can get his hopes up every year just so he can ultimately fail, it wouldn’t hurt me to at least try.

So, I have spent some hard time thinking up a platform (well, about three minutes really), and I think I have the bandwagon that everyone can jump on. We’ll start with my tax plan.

Under the Greg Hayes tax plan:

1: I would pay no taxes.

2: You would pay no taxes.

3: The rich would pay all taxes, unless they donate to my campaign. Then they would also pay no taxes.

Now, on to my foreign policy. “Greg,” you are probably muttering to yourself while rolling your eyes … yeah, you didn’t think I knew you were rolling your eyes, did you? … “how could you handle a madman like, say, Kim Jong-il or Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?” Well, stop rolling your eyes for a second and I’ll tell you.

To handle someone like Kim Jong-il, I’d send a jet over for him, bring him back to the states and have him run for a position in the U.S. Congress. No one would ever take anything he had to say seriously, ever again. Problem solved!

I could also protect our country from illegal immigration from Mexico without building walls along our borders. I would instead make huge tunnels underneath the United States all the way to Canada. Why Canada? Because not even the Canadians want to live in that god-forsaken tundra, am I right? Might as well let the immigrants have the country that no one else wants. Plus, we can get the illegals to dig the tunnels for free, so that would kill two birds with one stone!

Now, tell me that is not a good platform.

“Greg, that is not a good…”

Shut up.

So, when you are standing in the voting booth today and thinking that your vote is not going to count anyway, and you hear the sound of more and more of your tax dollars just slipping down the drain, just go ahead and write in my name for President.

And then maybe, just maybe, I can convince Joe the Plumber to have a look at that drain.