That most wonderful time of the year is upon us yet again. That glorious time of year when people pile into their pick-up trucks and SUV’s to head off over the river and through the woods. They arrive at their destination and almost immediately begin to get back to nature … by shooting high-powered rifles at any part of nature that dares to move.
Yes, hunting season is here, with fathers bonding with their sons by blasting a hole through some cute, furry woodland creature. Many of the liberal elite probably find this appalling, but I do not. Why, you ask?
Because those woodland creatures sure do taste good.
While I have never been a fan of hunting, it is not because I regularly hug trees or spend my summers saving whales. No, it is more along the lines of not liking the idea of freezing my hindered parts off while sitting up in a tree blind for 12 hours with nothing to eat but artery-clogging jerky and cheese. To me, this is not hunting. This is insanity.
Why don’t hunters call hunting what it really is? I mean, to hear the term hunting, one thinks of Hiawatha creeping bare-chested through the bushes, stalking a white-tail deer with a dagger between his teeth. Upon cornering his prey between some rocks and trees, he jumps out and fires his bow and arrow, felling the horned beast to its knees before jumping upon its back while slitting its throat with his blade. Then, with manly musk rolling off his sweaty body, he skins the creature there and lets out a primal scream as he rips some raw meat from the bone and shreds it between his teeth.
If hunting was more like this, I would probably find it a lot more interesting. But that is not the case for the most part. The majority of hunters I talk with usually “hunt” on a lease where they have been going up and putting corn in feeders for months to bait deer into eating in certain areas. Then they place a tree stand in that area so they can sit there on opening day, waiting for an unsuspecting deer to tromp out of the foliage in search of free corn. And when one does, they take their rifle and send it to that big game preserve in the sky.
In this scenario, the only one really hunting, in my opinion, is the deer in his search for an all-you-can-eat corn buffet. This is kind of like setting Gravy Train in your dog’s dish and waiting for it to come eat supper. And then when it shows up at the dish you pull out a Colt .45 and blow its brains out.
You know what I think would be really great? I bet even some TV executives would find this a stupendous idea, in this day and age of crappy, reality TV shows and what-not. I think we should have a program called "Extreme Hunting."
Think about it. Animals could be trained to fight back against the humans. It could work. Didn’t Lassie take good care of that stupid family whose kid kept falling down the well? Of course she did. With the right people on board, I believe that deer could be trained to shoot handguns sideways in the “gangsta” style, rabbits could plant land mines, bears could use crossbows, and squirrels could toss hand grenades from their high perches. And it could all be filmed for our entertainment!
Of course this would take massive amounts of funding so it would never happen. I guess, for people like me, we have to find other ways to make us want to shoot unarmed, innocent animals ... besides their delicious taste, that is. Maybe we could just imagine Sean Hannity’s face in place of the animals’ faces. You know, I could probably bump off a few in that manner, now that I think about it.
But regardless, while it is not my cup of rum (screw tea), I happen to think hunting is great for other people. It trims down the number of deer and other woodland creatures waiting to invade our homes at night to kill us and our families in our sleep. Admit it, you know that they want to. And for that reason, you will always find me as a friend to the modern-day hunter-gatherers, especially if they give me some free, processed sausage from their kills. So come on hunters, get out there and blast us up some tasty grub!
Just watch out for those land mines.
About Me
- Greg Hayes
- Greg worked for 10 years as an underpaid journalist, from 1999 until 2009, in the southeast region of Texas in several of its local papers. He is married to his beautiful wife, Kelly, and has two wonderful children, Olivia and Ean. They make their home in Vidor, which is actually a nice place despite what people say.
