I’ve never really believed in subliminal messages. Ozzy Osbourne’s music never made me want to commit suicide (I can’t say whether or not it made my parents want to kill something, however) and Joe the Camel never made me want to light up a cig in my homeroom class at school back in 1991. I just did that to piss off my teacher.
A child of the 1980s, I grew up on cartoons where one-dimensional figures regularly blew up stuff and shot random amounts of people with laser cannons, yet I never had a desire to take a life. Well, except for ants and mosquitoes, but nothing other than that. And watching guys with six-pack abs and every hair in place drink Miller Lite never made me want to drink beer.
The half-naked bikini girls did that.
But now, we are being faced with the most detrimental subliminal message of all time, if you listen to railing clergy men and modern-day doomsday prophets. And this is 100 times worse than Tinky Winky being gay. (You remember that, right?) What is the cause of this latest catastrophic and perilous time? The Little Mommy Cuddle 'n Coo doll made by Fisher-Price.
According to various reports on the Internet, that we know are always true, this baby doll which coos and giggles due to motion activation, says “Islam is the light,” and it is going to brainwash every little girl in America along with every little brother to those girls, because little brothers love to take their sisters things in order to drive them crazy. I found this pretty intriguing.
So, my wife and I found one in a local department store and turned it on. The first couple of times we passed our hands in front of it, the doll made cooing baby noises like any normal baby that is stuffed with batteries would, I suppose. But the third time the cooing and giggling sounded very oddly like “Islam is the light.”
I found this to be a shocking revelation. Not what it was actually saying, mind you. I’ll let the hellfire and brimstone preachers worry about that one. No, what I found intriguing was the endless amount of possibilities this unlocks.
Think about it. If people are dumb enough to think that a child can be indoctrinated by a $10 baby doll more so than by watching their parents’ actions and mannerisms, then we really need to get on the bandwagon here. I mean come on, it is a lot easier to blame toymakers for decisions that kids will make rather than the parents who don’t know how to raise a child. Or that don’t even try to raise their child. You no doubt know the type of parents I am speaking of.
So, I have given this the deepest thought I can and I have come up with some more messages for Fisher-Price to put into their dolls. This way, I no longer have to worry about properly raising my children. Just to get started, here are a few examples of what they can program these dolls to say:
“Gabba goo dabba hee hee thbtttt!! Clean your room so your Daddy doesn’t step on some tiny plastic part of some godforsaken toy in the middle of the night after he turns your light out, cutting his foot open and causing him to say a lot of words you will get in trouble for saying if you ever repeat them!”
Gabba goo dabba hee hee thbtttt!! Learn to fix your own meals, wash your own clothes, and drive your self to your various practices so Mommy isn’t tired all the time and continually getting closer and closer to that nervous breakdown that causes her to burn down the house one day!”
“Gabba goo dabba hee hee thbtttt!! Start saving up your own money for college now because your Daddy works for a crappy newspaper salary!”
“Gabba goo dabba hee hee thbtttt!! Don’t ever watch stupid TV shows like ‘Rock of Love’ or else you might grow up to think that being in love actually means being a skanky whore with fake breasts that has sex with washed-up losers like Bret Michaels who couldn’t hold down a job at McDonald’s even if they tried!”
As our children get older, maybe we can get other important life lessons, such as money management and healthy eating habits, placed into their video games so we don’t have to bother with that either. And we won’t have to worry about a thing as we can depend on various objects to instruct our children what to do.
This will give us more time to smoke our cigarettes with Joe and look for those girls in bikinis. I’ve yet to have one show up.
About Me
- Greg Hayes
- Greg worked for 10 years as an underpaid journalist, from 1999 until 2009, in the southeast region of Texas in several of its local papers. He is married to his beautiful wife, Kelly, and has two wonderful children, Olivia and Ean. They make their home in Vidor, which is actually a nice place despite what people say.
