'Gimme some money'

After years of wondering what it would be like to actually make money, and realizing that writing will never provide the income I really need to support a family without surviving paycheck to paycheck, I have come upon a revelation of how to rake in the bucks.

I’m going to sell out.

Yep, you read that right. I am going to become a major sell out. I won’t go so far as to place a company’s logo on my house or car, like team owners do on stadiums and rednecks do on stock cars. No, I have found another way to sell out that won’t be as offensive to the eyes of my readers.

Now sit back and observe the next few paragraphs, which are sure to make me into a millionaire overnight, as I sell my blog to the highest bidder. Here goes:

I awoke this morning after receiving a beautiful night’s sleep on my bed’s Serta mattress, and after stretching in my Hanes brand pajamas I drug myself into the bathroom to begin my day.

I reached for my Oral-B toothbrush and squeezed minty-fresh Crest into the sink as I missed the bristles completely, since I was only half awake. After scraping the paste off the walls of the sink, that I bought for a discounted price several years ago at Home Depot, I rinsed my mouth out with cinnamon flavored Scope, which sparked my taste buds awake in the fiery embrace.

Following that, I tossed my Hanes in the Rubbermaid hamper and got into the shower, where I bathed with a bar of Irish Spring soap and shampooed my hair with Suave for Men, the pleasing smell awakening my senses to the start of a brand new day. Upon completion of showering off, I wrapped myself in a cotton towel, while humming “The touch… The feel… The fabric of our lives…” under my breath, and applied Old Spice deodorant to my armpits and put in my Acuvue Oasys contact lenses, purchased from 1-800-CONTACTS, so I could finally see where I was going.

I then walked back to the bedroom and put on my Fruit of the Loom underwear, Hanes socks, Jerzee T-shirt, Hard Rock Café shirt, Wrangler blue jeans and Nunn Bush loafers, all of them just as comfortable as advertised. After fixing my hair with L.A. Looks styling gel, I proceeded to the kitchen where I poured myself some Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a General Mills cereal, and topped it off with some Borden’s milk while the smooth and satisfying aroma of Folger's coffee brewed away in the Mr. Coffee coffeemaker.

I turned on CNN for a few minutes to hear what the liberals had to say this morning as I sipped my cup of Joe in a Late Show with David Letterman coffee mug, as seen on Dave’s desk at night on your local CBS affiliate, after which I walked out the door and got into my Ford Ranger pickup truck and drove to my job.

Once there, I turned on my Dell computer, complete with an Intel Pentium 4 HT processor, and checked my two e-mail accounts on Yahoo and AOL so I could see how many people have not written to me in awhile before taking a call from my wife on my Motorola cell phone, on the AT&T-Sprint network, so she could fill me in on a list of other name-brand products we need to purchase at both the Wal-Mart and Target department stores.

There, that should be a good start. Now I can just sit back and watch the checks start rolling in. And if this doesn’t work I guess I will have to stoop to placing a huge Entergy sign, followed by the word “Field” or “Stadium,” on the roof of my house.

I've already ordered it off of EBAY.