The elderly and bad circulation … of newspapers

In all my years of journalism experience, I have come upon a great eternal truth. Elderly people love reading the newspaper. Love it, almost as much as old “Matlock” reruns. So, when elderly people first find out that I am a newspaper journalist they always tell me the same thing:

“I didn’t get my paper yesterday,” they’ll say, in a tone like I am the neighbor’s dog that just relieved my bowels on their front porch. “They have been late all week. I'm up every morning at 3 a.m. and it isn't there!”

Why do they say this? Because the older generation does not realize, or care to know, that the newspaper is actually divided into departments like any other company. Circulation, advertising, editorial, accounting, hell, etc…

No, people see a reporter or an advertiser and just automatically think that we do the job of circulation just because we work in the same building. This would be the same as me approaching a janitor at my local bank and saying something like:

“Hi, I would like to take out a loan so I can buy a new house. And make it snappy because I’m late for Bingo.”

Of course, the janitor would look at me like I just fell out of a tree, point to the mop in his hand, and then direct me to someone in bank management. In this type of situation, I should feel embarrassed, apologize for my stupidity, retrieve all my money, and leave to find another bank where I’ll never have to see that janitor again, right?

Not elderly people who didn’t get their paper though! Oh no! They have been done a great injustice and will continue to gripe and complain about their personal delivery service to any reporter or other newspaper employee that they talk to, wasting both their time and ours, since we do not have the power to help them.

I have come to the conclusion, after all this time (listening to them rattle on), that some people must like to complain. Maybe they like it just so they can hear themselves talk. Or because they are lonely. Or because “Jeopardy” isn’t on yet. Take your pick. I just can’t explain why some people will go on and on for 15 minutes (no joke) to someone who has:

1. Already told them who they can talk to in an attempt to solve the problem, and…

2. Well, I guess that there isn’t a real need for a second reason.

And here is something else. These people will always, and I mean always, threaten to end their subscription. I guess that they think that this will show the newspaper who’s boss and that they are going to contribute to putting an end to the paper’s business.

“They’ll never make it without my subscription dollars,” they must think to themselves. “I’ll show them! Just as soon as I have my prunes!”

Well, here is the kicker: Newspapers survive on advertising dollars, not subscriptions. People for hundreds of years have canceled subscriptions, but the papers continue on. Many papers are even given away free because of the advertising dollars. But if you try to explain this to them, they’ll just look at you like a cow looks at an oncoming train and then say:

“But I’ve been a subscriber for 129 years and I don’t like it when I don’t get my paper,” they’ll say. “Can you tell me where I am?”

So, basically, we in the journalism field will never win whenever it comes to the elderly and their subscription complaints. So I am starting a new newspaper campaign to get every elderly person in America a Blackberry with a phone/music player/miniature TV/helicopter inside it.

Then they can spend the rest of their days just trying to figure it out, with looks of complete and utter confusion. And we in print media can write stories about the elderly and technology snafus. And the grand thing is we won’t have to worry about them ever seeing these stories.

Because, let’s face it, they probably won’t get their paper.