Children's programming: The beginning of the end

Do you know what to do when you find the last paw print? If you don’t, then consider yourself lucky.

I have no choice but to know what to do, because I get to hear about it everyday. Even going to work is not an escape for me, because the annoying music and songs play themselves over and over in the back of my mind. I seriously do not know how my wife can stand it.

My one-year-old son is a rabid fan of the children’s show “Blue’s Clues,” as it is one of the first things he says when he wakes up in the morning.

“Boo Koo’s!” he says, pointing to the television. And inside, my mind begins to slowly slip into the bowels of insanity. I place in the only DVD of “Blue’s Clues” that we seem to own, and the music comes blaring on, almost as if it is anxious to grate upon my nerves.

I can close my eyes and see the show playing in my head at night. The songs infiltrate my thoughts all through the day. Although I suppose it could be worse. He could want to watch those creepy “Wiggles” or “Teletubbies,” so I guess I should count my blessings.

But I can’t. I catch myself humming the tune. I shake my head violently, almost in the styling of “The Exorcist,” but to no avail. It won’t go away!

What is it with children’s programming? Was it this annoying when we were kids? I suppose it was, but thankfully as we grew older we forgot how mind-numbingly irksome these type of shows are. No doubt our parents sit back and laugh at us now, as they watch us attempt to endure the vexatious programming of this day and time.

One day, a young father will be drug before a judge for a heinous crime against humanity. This is how I think that court proceeding will take place…

Prosecutor: “Your honor, this man was caught streaking naked through the streets, flinging his feces at buildings and smearing it on people and/or on their vehicles.”

Judge: “How does the defendant plead?”

Defense Attorney: “My client pleads not guilty by reason of insanity, your honor.”

Judge: “On what grounds?”

Defense Attorney: “He was subjected to episodes of ‘Max and Ruby’ and ‘Pinky Dinky Doo’ seven days a week for the entire time his children were awake.”

Judge: “Charges dismissed. And I hold the prosecution in contempt for bringing this case before my court and reminding me of my own child’s addiction to ‘Yo Gabba Gabba.’”

Yes, the only consolation I can receive from any of this is that one day, one glorious day, there will be even worse programming, than what is currently on television, that my children’s children will force them to endure whether they like it or not.

And I will smile as I sit back in my thinking chair and think … think … think.