A drug-free April Fools Day

SEATTLE — During a rare collaboration this morning, Layne Staley and Kurt Cobain joined forces for an acoustic concert and speaking engagement at Ballard High School for the Parent Teacher Association’s third annual drug-free rally.

“When the school board asked me to come in and do this, I thought to myself, you know maybe I should bring in another advocate for the war on drugs,” Cobain, former front man of alternative rock band Nirvana from 1989 to 1994 and founder of national anti-drug organization N.A.D.S. (Narcotics Are Dangerous Substances), said. “So, I gave Layne a call and he said he would definitely rearrange his schedule to be here.”

Staley, former lead singer of the grunge-rock band Alice in Chains from 1990 to 1996, has been living on a secluded ranch in northern Montana since getting out of rehab in October of 2000, doing solo shows and running a small management company.

“When Kurt called me up I was like, hell yeah man,” Staley said. “If we can keep just one of these kids from making the same stupid mistakes we did when we were younger then it will definitely be worth it. Kurt has been doing a lot of good on his own, so I was real surprised he’d ask me to join up for this event. But I’m glad that he did.”

Cobain and Staley ripped through acoustic renditions of “Drain You,” “Rape Me” and “We Die Young” before speaking to approximately 650 kids in attendance in the school’s gymnasium. They concluded the event with “Lithium” and “What The Hell Have I” to massive cheers.

Staley spoke first about the dangers of heroin and how using milder drugs can lead to harder ones.

“I was (expletive) up everyday,” he told the students. “I know I shouldn’t say that in a high school setting, but there is no other way I know to describe what I was except (expletive) up. If you think drugs are the way to have a good time, I can tell you first hand that you are making a very stupid choice. They will only kill your soul and then leave you out to dry.”

Cobain said that using drugs led him down a dark path which put him into some awkward situations.

“I started to feel as if I was really losing my mind,” he said. “I stopped eating for a period of time and would wake up not knowing what day or even what year it was. Probably the worst thing drugs did to me was cloud my judgment, which led to me marrying Courtney Love. When I finally sobered up in ‘98, divorcing that skank was the first thing I did.”

Cobain, who is now married to tennis pro Anna Kournikova, said he has a renewed vision of life now which lets him know he can make it without drugs ruling his every move.

“I am a better man now,” Cobain said in conclusion. “And no drug could have ever done that for me.”

Rachel Appleton, 18, a senior at Ballard High, said that she found the rally to be very informative.

“I’ve already made up my mind to be drug free,” Appleton said. “But hearing these guys just bare their soul today let me know that I’ve made the right choice for my life.”

Sean Rainer, 16, a Ballard High sophomore, said that he will take Cobain and Staley’s words to heart.

“I started smoking marijuana three years ago, but I found that I only did it to look cool in front of my friends and not because it made me happy,” he said. “Actually it just made me eat more and get fat. After today, I’m with Mr. Staley. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life all (expletive) up.”