Of Lewis and God

The main reason that I even considered going into the field of journalism as a career back in the mid-1990s, when I was still a wet-behind-the-ears, naïve high school student, can be summed up into one man’s name:

Lewis Grizzard.

Lewis was my main source of inspiration, although I did come to know of giants in the writing world like Dave Barry, Mike Royko, and Kinky Friedman along the way. But once I read Lewis’ book “If I Ever Get Back to Georgia I’m Gonna Nail My Feet to the Ground,” his book covering his early newspaper career, I knew that I wanted to be a writer.

Once entering the journalism world, I found it to mostly be a world of boring meetings and very uninteresting small-town politicians talking about garbage collection and street repairs. Aside from writing an occasional feature or sports piece, newspaper writing can make you want to beat your brains out with a small mallet out of sheer, utter boredom.

And now that Lewis has departed for his typewriter in the sky, may he rest in peace, I don’t see that many people picking up where he left off. And maybe that is because none of us really have the capability to fill his shoes, which I'm sure were encrusted with rich, Georgia sod.

But shouldn’t we be trying?

I think we should. And so, with that long introduction aside, I decided to make an attempt at where Lewis left off, and do something that I have only read of him doing.

That’s right. I interviewed God.

In his book that I mentioned earlier, Lewis told of his journalistic encounters with God Himself, and I wondered why no one has attempted these interviews since Lewis was taken from us. I mean, if Katie Couric is so great, why hasn’t she at least tried? So, I set up my own interview with God the other day and asked Him a few questions. The following is the account of that sacred interview.

Greg Hayes: Hello God. And thank you for taking the time to meet with me today.

God: Not a problem. It is my pleasure.

GH: Ever since reading of Lewis Grizzard’s interview with you, I’ve always wanted to do this.

God: Well, thank you, Greg. You know I have a book of my own, don’t you?

GH: Oh, yes sir. I’ve read it and found it quite captivating.

God: Thank you.

GH: You’re welcome. And before we start, did you really instruct Lewis to tell Jimmy Swaggart that he was fired?

God: Yes. But he ignored him, just like he ignored me for all those years.

GH: Well, is there anyone you would like to inform that they are fired now?

God: Pat Robertson and John Hagee come to mind just off the top of my head. But I can handle them myself.

GH: Hmmmm ... yeah, I can see those two needing to go. How are you leaning in this current election? John McCain or Barack Obama?

God: Same as always. Neither party has yet to produce a candidate I can throw my endorsement behind. All I see are hypocrites.

GH: Wow, really? To hear a lot of the preachers talk, one would think you leaned toward the Republican ticket.

God: No. Those preachers tend to lean Republican and think that they speak for me for some odd reason. The real question you should ask those preachers about is how much money they rip my church off for every month.

GH: I hear you there. Let’s talk global warming. Is that really the reason for the current hurricanes wrecking havoc in the Gulf of Mexico?

God: (Sigh!) No, hurricanes have been happening for thousands of years. I’m so sick of hearing those people in New Orleans still complaining. If they don’t like the weather, they should move someplace else to build their homes.

GH: Yeah, you’d think that they were the only ones to ever suffer from a hurricane the way they are still whining for the government to foot all their bills.

God: Yes, it is easy to see who they have set up for their god besides me.

GH: Let’s talk terrorism. Do all these Islamic extremists really get 72 virgins upon entering the afterlife?

God: I suppose if they look around Hell long enough they can find 72 women who are still virgins. But it beats me whether or not they even bother to look once they get there.

GH: Well, I know you’re busy, so I’ll end the interview with one last question.

God: Shoot.

GH: Alright. What is your take on the Wall Street bailout in Washington D.C. by Congress?

God: Politicians shouldn’t be trying to run Wall Street or get into the realty business. I mean, look how bad they screw things up in your country every year. Do people really think that this is going to be any different?

GH: Well, just speaking for myself, I know I don’t.

God: You are wiser than you realize.

GH: Thank you sir. And thank you again for taking time out of your busy schedule for this interview.

God: I was happy to do it. You take care of yourself now. Oh, and Greg?

GH: Yes?

God: I’ll be sure to tell Lewis hello for you.